Interesting Case of the Day

Today's candidates for Interesting Case of the Day are:

1. Pus-draining armpit.
2. HIV+ patient not getting better, not getting worse.
3. Bad-smelling urine after eating the turkey in the cafeteria.
4. Drug-seeker.
5. Hepatitis C patient seeing "flashes of light."
6. I know my blood sugars are high, but I'm working on it.
7. Imperforate Anus.

And the winner is ...

Drug seeker!

No, just kidding. The winner is of course the young man with a history of imperforate anus. He's a new arrival to the prison here. He's in for "getting real angry" and "shooting up a house while some people were in it." No one got hurt, and he got 48 months. Anyway, he was actually born without an asshole, as he says. Thus he disproves the oft-quoted maxim that "opinions are like assholes; everybody's got one."

After living with a colostomy bag for a while, surgeons created an artificial anus for him. Unfortunately, it doesn't work as well as yours and mine. For one, it has no anal tone (I know because I had my finger in it a couple of hours ago) and it looks a little different from the standard anus. It's basically just an opening in the anal cleft ('butt crack' to you non-medical types).

Having no sphincter means he can't really control what comes out, and he's in clinic today requesting medical approval for a private cell because he soils himself daily. Unfortunately this often happens while he sleeps. He wants a private cell so he can use the toilet right away, when he needs it, without worrying about his cellie needing it or being in his way. And also so he can clean himself and his clothes without being embarrassed and having to deal with a roommate. And he has "really, really bad gas," too, he told me. Yep. I found that out during the interview.

Will he get a private cell?

Highly doubtful, regardless of what we recommend. And we are willing.

UPDATE 6/24/2009:
There is a private cell currently available, and other inmates have been complaining about this patient, so the hope is that staff will accommodate him with a cell of his own.

I just hope it's not in solitary.