Today's Top Headlines:

MAN LOSES TESTICLE. DOESN"T NOTICE IT'S GONE UNTIL PA STUDENT POINTS IT OUT.

Today during a routine physical exam, an observant PA student palpated a young inmate's testicles (that would be me, and it was for purely medical reasons of course). The PA student asked if the patient had ever had any surgery or problems "down there."

"Not really. I got in a fight with a guy three years ago in jail and I was beating the crap out of him when he grabbed my balls," said the inmate.

"Well, your testicle is pretty much gone. It must have been damaged and atrophied somehow," said the student after noting that the left testicle was about the size of a pea.

"I guess I never paid much attention," replied the inmate.

In other news...

IT TAKES A SPECIAL KIND OF PERSON TO BE A CORRECTIONS OFFICER

While eating lunch in the break room at the detention center, two officers were overheard discussing a Hamburger Helper commercial that came across the TV in the corner.

"What would you do if that hand (the Hamburger Helper mascot) showed up in your house?" asked one officer.

"I would break every one of his fuckin' fingers," replied the other officer.

"I would shoot him," said the first officer.